I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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