I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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