Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
