So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Too much gin, very little bucket
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
