i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
