I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
