Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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