I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
