i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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