i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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