listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
