what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
