I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
