I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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