I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
