sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize