my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
