I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
