oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
