I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
