He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize