So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
