Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
