Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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