Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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