She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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