It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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