Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
