So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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