Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
