Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
