Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
