Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
