I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize