Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
