It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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