We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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