i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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