apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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