I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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