I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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