we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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