I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
