im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
