I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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