When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
