Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
