If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
