Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
