I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
nutella sex= disaster
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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