So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
two words...techno handjob
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
