She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
