Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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