Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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