cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
