I can feel you judging me through the phone.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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