I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
