Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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