the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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